i am learning to like myself better right now. I always feel like I’ve failed in life when my psychosis happened constantly that there wasn’t enough medications I could take to let me preform at my job at Aetna. They tried to hang with me but I ended up where my schizoaffective disorder (schizophrenia + bipolar II) got so out of hand that to my shrink and psychiatrist told me to apply for SSDI which was approved the first time around. I take a 300ml haldol deconate shot every 3 weeks now trying to avoid me getting psychotic because I was having to take oral haldol on top of the injection because something went wrong with my last shot that I’m having to take 20mg of haldol to keep the alien in my head away so his constant hallucinations and back chatter telling me I need to cut my heart out or put sterno out both my arms so I could have beautiful wings of fire and that it wouldn’t hurt. To go from bringing home 73,000+ a year to $2,125/month and still having to pay for my medical bills is tuff on my ego. Being able to afford almost everything and now being able to afford almost nothing is quiet an adjustment for me because I’ve always been an impulsive spender. But I took out the last little bit of my 401K and paid off all my credit card debit Kristie took out her IRAs and paid off the house. I trimmed our budget down to the basics so that we can live life debt free with a little left in savings for emergencies

on August 10th I successfully earned a green belt in TaeKwonDo which is just 6 belts away from black belt which has always been a childhood dream. I have some exciting news though. By next Wednesday I’ll be debit free. I’ve continued extremely slow on my weight loss goal. I’m 16.4 pounds away from losing 100 pounds and I’m having doubts if I want to call 170 asmy goal weight or put my nose to the grindstone   And stay focused to hit my goal of being 156.4 pounds. So if you were me would you throw in the towel once I hit one seventy or goal all out side my comfort zone and go for the hundred pounds lost?  I’m lacking motivation can anyone relate?

 

stacie

i rejoined my old taekwondo master Garth Cooley who is in his forties and is a fantastic master instructor. Master Cooley wants me to promote to a yellow belt white stripe which is 7 levels away from black belt. Anyone around Fisher at Korea taekwondo academy on June 8th is welcome to come and see me break a board with my knife hand strike. I’m attending taekwondo 4 days a week and getting a lot of exercise in. Last week I lost 2.2 pounds at weight watchers because of my workouts in taekwondo I had to ask my pcp to lower my goal weight from her original weight loss goal of 175 pounds to a new goal of 156.4 pound which is significant because that would mean I was capable of losing 100 pounds since starting weight watchers on January 17, 2017. I’m currently 179.2 fully dressed in my sneakers.

I hit another milestone Thursday day I got my 75 pounds lost award from weight watchers, I officially was 180.2 pounds.  Right now I am really struggling with symptoms of my psych disorder. I had lunch with my little sister and nephew today. I was feeling better so I suggested that we take Tripp to monkey joes so he could have fun and Brandi and I could visit. It pushed my extra haldol to far. Right now my ears hurt. I’m so noise sensitive that the sound of the fan on is driving me bonkers. It’s akin to having someone run their nails down the chalkboard non stop. I’ll have to take my Meds soon and try and sleep this off.

I have almost hit another hurdle. I am scared but I got approved for breast reduction surgery and I have it in 10 days from today on March 26th at 10 a.m.  I weighed in yesterday at weight watchers at 190.4 only a half a pound away from being in the 180’s (although Tuesday at the doctors office for my diabetes checkup I was 188.4).  I am down 66 pounds which seems surreal. I definitely feel like I don’t deserve it because the process hasn’t been that hard for me.  The only thing I changed basically was making healthier choices when I eat out and trying not to eat every thing of an not so good for me choices.

My doctor set my goal weight at 175 pounds when I thought I needed to be 35 pounds lighter. I’m 15.4 pounds away from my official goal and 50.4 pounds from my ideal weight / BMI. There is no doubt in my mind that I’ll blow my doctors ideal weight out of the water. I figured I’ll just keep eating what I want and when I stop losing weight then I’m where my body wants to hang out at which is fine with me. I can wear a women’s xl and a size 14 jean so if I never get back down to a size 10 I’m ok with that.

What I feel I need to change is my physical endurance level. I still get out of breath slightly when I take a long flight Of stairs. I am going to go hiking with my little sister Brandi on my birthday just 26 days after my surgery I am hoping I can keep up with her and not slow her down to much. I sure hope it doesn’t rain because I am so looking forward to it. Maybe kris and I can go out walking when I get released to.

As of last Thursday I’ve lost 65 pounds in the past year and one week, according to the weight watchers scales.  Every time I look in the mirror today I still see the 250+ pound person staring back at me.

I’m about the same weight as my friend, actually I’m taller by two inches and 2 pounds lighter but I don’t see her as fat. A little overweight but not by a massive amount. But for myself, probably because I’ve never liked seeing my physical self, I am seeing a person I’m ashamed of.  To be fair, I see the same person I’ve always hated the reflection of.

This year I’m out to change that view of myself.  I haven’t figured out how one goes about self perception changes but it’s something my therapist and I are going to start to tackle.  I’m ashamed of being a schizophrenic, and all it costs me.  A great job I loved, it changed a very important relationship, I’m worrying constantly abought money and what’s going to happen when my LTD ends July 29th.  My LTD and all it’s Insurance perks is ending only because I have a mental health diagnosis.  If I had an “organic disorder” which every psychiatrist would label schizophrenia as an “organic disorder”.  The mental health parity act has a loop hole and doesn’t specifically mention the Ltd companies have to treat them the same as any other medical condition.